Monday, July 31, 2017

Star Wars Scenes We'd Like to See

On board the Second Death Star in Return of the Jedi.
(Tip o’ th’ hat to Art Bell)

Vader:          Join me, Luke!  Together we shall rule the Galaxy as father and son. It is your destiny.

Luke:            You said that the last time! Why don’t you join me so we can work together to restore freedom to the Galaxy?  You were chosen to do this.

Vader:          What do you mean, son?

Luke:            Search your feelings, Father. You know this to be true.

Palpatine:    Don’t go into the light. It’s a trick!

On board the Second Death Star in Return of the Jedi.
(Tip o’ th’ hat to How It ShouldHave Ended on YouTube)

[The Emperor is about to unleash Force Lightning upon Luke Skywalker.]

Vader:           [Butting in] You said I killed Padme’ in my anger! Yet she bore me twins!

Palpatine:     She lost the will to live—so it’s true from a certain point of view.

Vader:           You LIED to me! I’ll KILL you!!

[Vader tackles Palpatine and the two fly out of view. Luke looks at the camera and shrugs as Force Lightning runs across the scene behind him.]

On board the Second Death Star in Return of the Jedi.

Now what was Vader thinking when Emperor Palpatine was unleashing Force Lightning upon poor Luke as he cries out, “Father! Help me!”?

I think it would have been something like this:

He’s killing my son; my daughter’ll be next! When he said I killed Padme’ in my anger, he lied—he lied to me! … I may not save my son, but I have to protect my daughter!

If George Lucas wanted to put something in the Special Edition to reflect on Vader’s state of mind, he should have included Vader’s thoughts, something like the above, instead of the insipid “No-o-o! NO-O-o-o-o-o!” that he actually put in there, which was derivative of the most insipid part of the final scene in Revenge of the Sith. (Did I tell you that the prequels suck? No? Well they do!)

In the Cantina in Star Wars.

Greedo:         … e leni ta crento oatka. Ta oaska! [Caption: That’s the idea. I’ve been looking forward to this for a long time.]

Han:             Yeah. I’ll bet you have!

[Han shoots poor Greedo before he has time to react. As he is frying, Han walks out, tossing a hefty silver coin at the barkeep. The barkeep catches it.]

Han:             Sorry about the mess.

Yes, I know this is the same as the scene as enacted in the 1977 Original.  But in 1997, what George Lucas went ahead and did was digitally reedit the scene so that Greedo shoots first. Greedo’s shot is directed so that he would miss hitting Han no matter what, but that wasn’t enough for George Lucas. He had Han’s whole upper body: torso, neck and head, tilt to the right (viewer’s left) in one jerky, neck-breaking movement, and then jerk back again. It looks like a department store dummy, and just stops the film right there. And in a perfect beat timing to Haddaway’sWhat is Love? . Of course this all reminds me of SNL’s sketch that inspired the film A Night at the Roxbury! (Tip o’ th’ hat to Hello Greedo on YouTube.) Newest Star Wars viewers are lucky in that in 2011 George Lucas hid this by cutting ten frames out of the action so that Greedo and Han fire almost at once. But those who saw the 1997 and 2004 versions had to suffer through this!

Saturday, July 29, 2017

Star Wars Attack on New Jersey

Today is the twentieth anniversary of Star Wars: Attack on New Jersey. Twenty years ago today, the film opened to rave reviews and enthusiastic audiences, in forty-nine states. Needless to say, it bombed in New Jersey!

Set in 1977, the movie didn't fail to include our favorite Saturday Night Live advice correspondent, Roseanne Roseannadanna.

"A mister Richard Feder from Fort Lee, New Jersey, writes: 'Dear Roseanne Roseannadanna: I thought Star Wars was only a movie, that depicted events that occurred a long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away. Now, starting a fes days ago, New Jersey has fallen under attack by UFO's. UFO's that look uncannily like the Galactic Empire's triangular Star Destroyers have been bombing us, while those that are the spitting image of their TIE Fighters have been strafing us! My question to you is: Where did they come from? Why are they here? How did they get here? And why can't our US military stop them?'

"Mister Feder, you ask a lot of STUPID QUESTIONS, even for a guy from New Jersey!"

Wednesday, July 12, 2017

Russiagate no longer a big nothingburger.

The Deep State, the mainstream media, and the Democrats' charges of collusion with the Russky government are no longer just "Russia, Russia, Russia!"

Well Donald J Trump Jr's emails with Russian officials are out and the foreign policy bureaucrats and liberals are dancing on Donald Trump's grave while he's still alive and kicking! So here are two YouTube vids that illustrate how the Donald's problems have just increased hyperbolically. The decline of the United States is accelerating and Putin and his cronies apparently had given us a big push down the steepening slope.

Why Donald Trump Jr's emails change everything.

Ex KGB Spy Jack Barsky Is MIND-BOGGLED By Email Trump Jr Received Before Meeting W Russian Lawyer.

Now we get to see the disabling of the United States as a major power on the world stage, at least until the Christian Talibanner Mike Pence gets into the Oval Office. And it could be worse! We could have armed insurrections against the federal government here in the "homeland." Or Mike Pence's first act could be starting World War 3 with Russia. Yes, he despises Russia despite it being a homophobic Christian country now--go figure!

Well I'll tell you about the effects of a 14,000 nuclear warhead exchange on the atmosphrere, climate and biosphere of this blue and green planet, Earth.

ON EDIT 7-13-2017: It turns out to me, and I got this from the print media (USA Today and the New Orleans Times-Picayune) that the Trump people--DJT Jr., Paul Manafort and Jared Kushner--were expecting that the handful of Russians they were dealing with would just hand over the dirt they got on Hillary! And the Russians who met with them wanted them to do something about certain sanctions that Obama imposed in 2012, for which Moscow retaliated with a ban on adoption of Russian orphans by Americans, and refused to discuss anything else. So, no deal, these Russians kept the info they had on Hillary.

So all we have so far are the condiments.

ON EDIT: 7-14-2017: Now one of the persons at the meeting used to be a Soviet Counter-Intelligence officer. Curioser and curioser.

ON EDIT 7-18-2017: Now it turns out that the Christopher Steele dossier, commissioned and paid for by unidentified Democratic donors, has links to an unregistered Russian foreign operative and perhaps to Russian intelligence. How else could that alleged incident with Trump and the Russian Prostitutes have gotten on the record? Hmmm?

How else could it have happened?
Read the Forbes article!

UPDATE 7-24-2017: Now Trump is mulling canning US Atty General Jeff Sessions and replacing him with Rudi Giuliani. And he's tweet-blasting the GOP Congressional Majority for not protecting him from the Russia investigation. This is not a man who is confident that this whole thing about Russia, Russia, Russia! is a big, fat nothingburger. And if it is nothing but condiments, why?


UPDATE 7-31-2017: And here's why I though and still think the "Russia hacked the election" meme is BOGUS! Why ask the Russians to hack the election when GOP-loyal, US-citizen operatives can do it themselves?

Onward and Downward!

Sunday, July 9, 2017

E. T. on the Dark Side?

Remember that small midget extraterrestrial E.T. from that piece of dreck that Spielberg made of the same name?

Well there are some things you might not know about him! A major "oops" in the film department. Or Spielberg got onto Lucas' shit list.

From [brackets, formatting and captions mine]

E.T. is a Sith Lord!

E.T. is the charming story of an alien who looks like your grandfather's swollen testicle arriving on a hostile alien planet and refusing to wear pants while hanging out with a small child. But, at least he was harmless, right? Yeah, except for the little fact that he was a goddamn Sith Lord.

Why It's Not That Crazy:

We know members of E.T.'s species exist in the Star Wars universe because we see them in the Galactic Senate during Star Wars: Episode I - The Phantom Menace, assuming you can bring yourself to watch it again and have enough money in the scotch budget.

This is the Galactic Senate! Now put some bloody clothes on.

When E.T. sees a kid in a Yoda Halloween costume he gets excited, as if he recognizes Yoda from, say, the Senate (as to why a kid would be wearing a Yoda costume if Yoda was a real creature from another galaxy, we'll get to that in the next entry [concerning Han Solo and Indiana Jones—except this could be E.T.'s dream!]).

E.T.: I didn’t know Yoda could be found in a dreary subdivision filled with builders’ Stockbrokers’ Tudor houses.
“Home, home, home! Home, home, home!”

E.T.: It’s Yoda, all right… 

We also know that he has powers suspiciously similar to those displayed by Force users -- such as levitation ...

... and healing.

But, E.T. also demonstrates one power that goes way beyond what a goody two-shoes Jedi can do -- he brings a flower back from the dead and later revives himself.

Both a potted plant and E.T. himself are risen indeed!

Jedi can only kind of make like Casper and haunt their students, but [Chancellor Palpatine / Darth Sidious in] Star Wars: Episode III - Revenge Of The Sith told us that at least one Sith mastered death.

So, E.T. is from the Star Wars universe and demonstrates a power that only the Sith have, making our conclusion foregone. He must be an extremely powerful Sith, too, albeit one that's [been] severely weakened by his time on Earth. You can leave it to yourself to determine what he was doing on our planet, but E.T. has a very different tone when you consider that, rather than helping a kindly lost spacefarer home, Elliot was actually helping a Sith Lord get back to murdering the galaxy.

Now we know what E. T. is really like!

Saturday, July 1, 2017

Death Star, Death Trap!

I have one more thing to add: since the Death Star is the size of a small moon, and has docking bays open to outer space, how does the Empire keep the air from leaking out and escaping? You'll find the answer below.

Death Star = Death Trap

by Dan Vebber, in: Ted Edwards, The Unauthorized Star Wars Compendium, pp. 33-35, sidebars (formatting mine).

For all the yipping that Admiral Motti does about his station being the "ultimate power in the universe," certain aspects of the Death Star's construction leave a lot to be desired. Indeed, on several occasions the Death Star's sinister engineers seemingly designed things to be as dangerous as possible.


Each of the superlaser's seven constituent beams shoots down a manned accelerator tunnel, causing anyone who might be standing next to these beams to shrink up against the wall and hope not to be disintegrated by a stray static charge. Each beam has at least enough power to destroy a planet one-seventh the size of Alderaan, so we can assume close-up exposure to any of them could lead to massive epidermal ionization, incurable melanoma, or at the very least, unwanted freckles. The superlaser accelerator tunnels probably have to be worker accessible -- and I'm not calling for removal of the catwalks along the beams' paths -- but couldn't they sufficiently warn the technicians before the thing was going to be fired so they could move out of harm's way? Would the installation of a few lousy warning lights really have cost that much more in the Emperor's grand scheme of things?


Any spherical battle station the size of a small moon would have its own gravity, wherein "down" would be directed toward the the station's center. But we can tell the Death Star uses artificial gravity generators, because "down" is always toward the station's "south pole." (Those Imperial boobs actually expend energy to defeat a core-oriented gravity situation that would have made more sense to begin with! Suckers!) Given that the station utilizes artificial gravity generators, why aren't they turned off or just plain not installed beneath the station's slew of virtually bottomless chasms? Countless stormtroopers (stormtroopers with families, I would remind you) would have lived to fight another day were their minor blaster wounds not followed by a plunge into oblivion.


Take docking bay 327, for example. There's a huge elevator shaft in the floor, in the middle of which is obviously a high-traffic area. And there's not so much as a Watch Your Step sign! Even more preposterous is the placement of controls for the tractor beam hundreds of feet up and surrounded only by a precarious six-inch-circular ledge.  Sure, this setup worked to the Empire's advantage at least once, significantly slowing down Obi-Wan's attempt to sabotage the controls, but I'll bet the ratio of Rebel sabotage incidents to legitimate tractor beam maintenance by certified technicians wasn't low enough to justify the risky panel placement.


Sure, they look cool, but how many stormtroopers have to whack their heads running into rooms before the Emperor takes notice? We saw it happen once, and we were privy to only an hour or so of Death Star footage. Imagine what goes on during those thousands of hours we didn't see! How many concussions have occurred? How many slow-moving saps have been cut in half by the doors as they sliced down into the floor with the efficiency of a galactic-scale French Revolution? It is my hope and dream that one day the Emperor's dark servants will form a union and work to correct these flagrant safety violations.

Oh, wait, I guess it's only a movie. *